My derm appointment today was encouraging and another reality-check. Everything looked okay, except my dermatologist is being very proactive. So even though she isn't concerned about them right now, she removed 3 moles; and we will receive the results Wednesday. Even now as I type that, my eyes tear up. I don't know if I'm scared or just allowing the reality of this life and its death to touch me.
Kaeden was watching a Hans Christian Andersen story "The Nightingale" in cartoon style. The emperor has a dramatic dream about death taking him and is very frightened until the nightingale begins singing and brings him back to life and awake to live life more fully.
Kaeden asked then why the man was afraid, so we were able to revisit this multiple times throughout the day as Kaeden asked at least 5 times, "Why was that man afraid again, momma?" I told him the man was afraid of dying, because he didn't know God. Death was a scary thing to him because he didn't know and love the one he saw when he was dying, so that scared him. It was a very interesting day. I was not expecting that at all, but we haven't talked about it since. And Kaeden has slept well these past nights, so I feel like his spirit is at peace after all that.
My sister-in-law asked if my heart stopped when I heard my derm was nervous about the moles. It was good to reflect on that, and I realized that I don't take my heart into the doctor's office. It wasn't until I reached for the phone to call Andrew and tell him why I was going to be delayed a little when my heart started feeling it. It wasn't until I was finished at the derm office, re-appointmented, and headed out to my car when I began to feel shakey. When I slid into my car, then I cried. I wasn't devastated, and I really didn't understand all the tears, but my derm taking the biopsies was a reminder of so many things - happy and sad.
I usually think about heaven as a place beyond here, but heaven is oh so near - not death necessarily - but heaven. Kaeden saying to Andrew on his first day of "preschool", Don't worry, Dad. We'll be back in two days (two hours). :0) is somehow a piece of heaven. Hearing the prayers of family and friends who call/visit; or reading your prayers in e-mails, brings heaven closer. I remember again, after these kinds of appointments, that I am formed from dust, and it wasn't until God breathed into us the breath of life that we truly started living. And that living will never end.
I'll keep you posted on the biopsy results when we receive them.
Blessings to you. Thank you for staying near.
1 comment:
I am truly so thankful that I am your friend, Cheryl. And that you allow me to be a part of this chapter in your life.
I know that you know that so much of what I read in this blog sounds familiar to me. Not feeling shaky until you get in the car and it all starts to sink in. Talking about death with your kids knowing that it could be closer than we think. Looking forward to being yourself again. I feel this with you and wish you didn't have to live through it too! But there is joy in it somehow because there is hope!
I believe that when you are finished with these treatments you will being loving life!
I have missed you at church lately (we go in opposite directions to get our kids now). But I will make a point to say "hi" this weekend and be happy with you because this treatment is ALMOST OVER!
Joanna
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