soft

I could be in a doctor's office - receive any news - and show little to no emotion. One call to Andrew, and my whatever emotion that was in, is now out - all over whichever poor soul happens to enter the room next. A bit unnerving for young male doctors (at least for my new dermatologist). Anyway - I experienced that today.

Not in a doctor's office. Just at home. I spent time in the Hebrews portion of God's love letter this morning before I came out to be with the kids. Very refreshed. Andrew called home around second breakfast time to see how his little family was faring. Both K&E had been quite needy this morning even with second breakfast on its way. So, I was sharing with Andrew that I was a little taxed already but wanted to hear how his morning was progressing. At that moment both children sensed that mom was on the phone and unavailable. Is it a rule they teach one another? (*when mom or dad is on the phone - then - then ask for things and be really dependent). I shared that they needed to wait. (I did that part nicely.) I was ignored. Then I could feel my emotions swelling up and angry momma coming. I told Andrew I needed to hang up because I was about to be a mean mom. 

So, I had just read in a family magazine about all the great things you can do while you are on the phone to keep your children happy. No joke. Yesterday I read these things. Give them a coloring book, playdoh, scissors. Let them tear apart an old phone book . . . They sounded inspirational at the time, but apparently I forgot to put them in my toolbox.

Back to this morning - I hung up abruptly with Andrew. Slammed down the receiver and started to cry. Could I not even love my children halfway into the morning having had still time with God? Then I realized that I was completely soft - that bud image - that fragile, God, change me, I don't want to be a mean mom, my heart was longing again. I found a new tool. I spoke calmly of my frustration through my tears (not weeping, just disappointment tears), and explained that if they chose to repeatedly interrupt me while I am on the phone (which is very rare. I am not a phone person.) then they would need to sit in timeout until momma was finished on the phone. Who knows what will happen next time, but my response was different this time. Where my heart would have been hard two+ weeks ago, today it was very soft. That softness and freedom of being near  someone who loves you in all of your stuff, someone who is giving you permission to feel whatever it is that is in you. The freedom of being near God. Not necessarily always the most cozy feeling but always best.

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against . . .the rulers of the darkness of this world - " the rulers that want us to believe that we can not actually know new lasting life in Christ, claiming Christ's victory over old life. Satan has struggled since the beginning of time against the supremacy of Christ. Apparently I am learning to claim and will probably continue to re-claim and re-claim until that beautiful day when the "human" in me is finished, to know His supremacy over every moment of my day.

Thank You, God, for Your mercies new every moment. Thank You for not waiting until morning.


Andrew called back, and we were able to talk about new life. ahhh.

Praying for your own old growth, friend. Your new life buds, nearness to Him, abiding, and claiming the supremacy of Christ over moments. Come, more life.