About once each month my eldest 2 children will have a verbal brawl, which at times turns physical, that can not be gently admonished or corrected by a simple apology - but cuts deeper. In occasions such as these, we have a meeting which has not yet received a name. Though nameless, it has proven powerful in our years of parenting.
I can not claim full credit for this meeting. My husband and I have been influenced by a few authors and their writings these past 10.5 years, namely John M. Gottman with his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, also Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne. Friends with us on this journey of parenting, their epic moments and epic fails and mighty prayers have also been hugely influential in how we step with our children. The most consistent voices in our heads are from our Father God, each other, and our own parents. All that being said, we've stepped into a few consistent ways of stepping that bring life pretty sweetly. I've been encouraged by a friend to share one of these steppings.
So, about once each month our eldest two children will have an epic fail moment in their communication department. Epic meaning, both of them needing to take a couple minutes to breathe in their room, unable to see clearly in the thick of it, completely irrational thinking, speaking. After 2-5 minutes of breathing, we find a mutual talking ground. Sounds a bit like a pow-wow, and I guess in a sense that's what it becomes, complete with invisible talking stick. :0) It's very simple.
- There are some ground rules re-laid each time.
- There are 3 simple questions posed one-at-a-time, response time.
- We all walk away changed.
It's always awesome. Bein' real.
Ground rules:
1. only respectful sharing when it's your turn to share. (no character-attacking or mean words)
2. only listening when it's your turn to listen.
Three simple Questions:
1. What happened? (anything else you want to share?...)
2. What do you need? (need to hear, need to know, need to feel, need...)
3. What do you need to do now?
Let's run through it so you can "see" it in action.
So, K & E have their cool down time, then they join me in a mutually safe place.
I mediate. First we cover ground rules. Then.
First Question:
Me: Elise, what happened?
E: shares her understanding of what happened (right or wrong, she shares what she understands happened)
Me: anything else you want to share E? (usually there is at least one more remembering)
Me: Kaeden, what happened? (sometimes stories conflict, doesn't matter. It's not about right and wrong, it's about hearing and being heard)
K: shares his remembering of the situation.
Me: anything else you want to share K? (more)
typically I'll go back to E for another round of what happened, then back to K. After I feel they've heard each other out, we'll move into question 2.
Second Question:
Me: Elise, what do you need right now?
E: shares what she needs (to feel safe, to trust Kaeden, for him to apologize..)
Me: anything else?
E: maybe she'll share more, typically she'll not need to share more.
Me: Kaeden, what do you need right now?
K: shares what he needs (to be heard, for Elise to say what she needs, ...)
Me: anything else?
K: typically nothing.
Final question:
Me: Elise, what do you need to do now?
E: shares what she needs to do (apologize, talk to Kaeden, listen to Kaeden...)
Me: Kaeden, what do you need to do now?
K: shares what he needs to do (be more gentle with Elise, apologize, ...)
Often the result of these meetings is that they get to hear and be heard, they get to see through each other's eyes what actually happened, they get to re-member what happened to see what actually went wrong as often the problem isn't that Kaeden hit E on the head with the ball or that E screamed in his face. Often the problem is a failure to see each other.
And there you have it.
Pow-wow complete.
You may find the next conversation they have with each other is, "You want to go play?!"
Thank You, God, that you gave us ears to hear and eyes to see what You have for us to see and hear. More of that.
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